It's Thanksgiving Day. A day that we gather around the table with family to eat a large spread of food. I have traveled home to Florida to be with family for this holiday. Although I'm glad to see my family and friends, I'm also a little uncomfortable with seeing them initially.
I have struggled with my weight for years and years. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food for years and years. Starting in my teens and well into my 30's I had an eating disorder. Most people don't hear about males with eating disorders, but it happens. I struggled with anorexia for a very long time. I was always too skinny and people often wondered if I had a disease such as cancer, because of my thin and frail looking body. At the worst part of my disorder I ate less than 700 calories a day, worked out like a fiend and weighed in at a whopping 135 lbs when I was 6'4" in height. I was skeletal.
In the past few years I have found a healthier relationship with food, and lately its been a little too unhealthy. Lot's of changes in my life lately have found me on a yo yo dieting rollercoaster to unhappiness. The stress of moving and buying a house kept me from establishing a healthy routine. Instead, I've been in a vicious cycle of not eating or eating healthy during the week, and then binge eating on junk food over the weekend. Friday is delivery from Dominos and Saturday is a bottle of vodka or a few bottles of wine and take out from the local Chinese place. Sunday? Sundays are spent in a downward spiral of shame, guilt and depression.
I've gone from one extreme to another. Now I sit here a good 40+ pounds over weight; very unhappy and uncomfortable in my own body. My initial reaction is to just not eat. Starve myself to lose weight. It has worked in the past right?! However, I now know that is not the healthy thing to do for my body.
Just to add to the gasoline to the fire, I am a yoga and Pilates teacher. Sure, I tell my clients that the practice of both of these types of movement are accessible to anyone regardless of fitness level, size, age, etc. I yell at my clients when the say self defeating things such as "'I'm too fat to do that" or "I need to lose weight in order to do this". I'm quick to tell them "Hell no! You can do this! You got this! You are beautiful just as you are! It's about being strong not skinny!" I 100% believe this too! I really, really, really do.
But do I believe this about myself? "Hell no!" I mean we are our own worst critics right?!
I constantly hear a judgmental voice in my head that tells me "You would be a better yoga and Pilates teacher if you were thin" or "You would have more clients if you looked like how a Pilates teacher should look" I see other teachers who are fit and have a great following and think "That could be me, if only I lost weight and had a six pack!" Why is it so hard for me to cheer on my clients but not myself?
So coming home with this extra weight had me feeling really self conscious about what family and friends who have I haven't seen in awhile will say. I almost feel like just hiding and avoiding seeing friends that I haven't seen in years, just to avoid the look on their faces. Especially friends who think I am the picture of health and fitness because of what I do for a living.
I even had a hard time packing for the trip, because most of my clothes didn't fit. I even went to several stores to find NEW clothes for this trip, which just left me a crying mess in the dressing room. I think any company who sells "Slim Fit" clothes should be boycotted. Grrrrrrrrrr!!! I feel like I don't look good, I feel bad about my weight, my health isn't the best, I find myself panting when I climb to the top of the stairs. I feel that my health and practice of Yoga and Pilates is suffering. I'm just generally unhappy and depressed.
I'm going to use this two weeks of vacation over the holidays to just reflect on everything. I will make some changes when I get back home in a week. In the past I tried Paleo/Primal and looked and felt the healthiest Ive ever been in my whole life. I think it's time to go back to this way of LIVING. Eating REAL food and moving my body in smart ways.
My goals for a healthier lifestyle include:
- Living a strict Paleo lifestyle
- Changing my body through smart movement such as Yoga, Pilates, Primal and Natural movement patterns and walking
- Committing to living a healthier lifestyle so that I can inspire others to live a healthier lifestyle
- Get certified to teach others about Paleo nutrition to help them eat a healthier way
I hope you will follow this blog and join me on my journey. I love connecting with people so please feel free to comment, etc.
